I never thought I'd be one to like reading birth stories... But I do. I've seen both sides of the birth spectrum, I have developed some crazy opinions, but most importantly I want to see a culture where women have lots of choices in how and where they birth. I believe our culture underestimates the transformation of birth. It changes who we are, ask a mother and no matter how old she is she will remember very vivid details of her birth experiences, how she felt, how the birth of her child either empowered her or defeated her. Unfortunately my first expierence with birth was one of defeat, but God is good and can use all things according to his purpose for those who believe!
So here is the story of how I became a Mama:
I found out I was pregnant on June 2, 2006 and we were both excited and nervous! This is what we really want... right? As we told family everyone was elated, and couldn't wait to find out more about this little bundle. My due date was February 3, 2007. I was sick right away, lost a ton of weight, and couldn't remember life without feeling like throwing up all the time. Other then that everything was going great and baby was healthy! We found out in November right before the holidays that we were expecting a baby girl!
We took a couples Lamaze class and read the traditional books about pregnancy and birth (What to expect when your expecting etc) and thought we knew enough and could handle this. My mother in law gently tried to warn me about the up coming events... in a very loving way. She had 2 children one in a hospital and one at home (my husband was born at home) and I thought she was crazy... Why would anyone choose home birth? She offered to be there for support and advised that this was also a first expirence for Daddy too, and not to place too much responsibility on him. We graciously smiled but continued to think we would be fine, we're a great team, and want to do this natural birth alone.
Well February 3rd came and went... and went... and went...........................................and went. I was confused... when was this baby going to come? I thought for sure she would have been born in January... but we were approaching Valentines Day and I was still pregnant! Unfortunately in all my traditional studies regarding birth... I missed the part about a due date being an 'estimate', I missed the part on trusting my body and fighting off negative comments from the rest of the world. I just wanted to meet this baby and be a mom already.
Feb. 13 (a Tuesday) I had another OB appointment... I was now past the dreaded 41 week mark and the Dr offered to induce that week. I didn't know any better, I tried to ask a few questions, so they offered an ultrasound and non-stress test. After the testing, the Dr. advised me to come in within the next few days for an induction because Placentas can start to deteriorate and calcify and in return cause problems or even a still birth! I did ask if that was the case for this pregnancy and was given a vague answer that it can happen anytime and I needed to come in by Thursday. I waited till thursday, not wanting to plan a Valentines Day baby on purpose. So Feb. 15, we went out to lunch, and then off to our induction date at the hospital.
When we arrived I was 41 weeks and 6 days, so 11 days overdue. I was nervous, anxious, and excited. I thought for sure I'd be holding this baby by dinner time! Well they started a dose of cydotec (ugh thats a whole other post) and I didn't respond to it, so of course 12 hours later they did another dose. Still no dilation, no effacement... no progress. Just a really hard be, no food, and a very rude nurse who was mean every time I had to take off the monitors to use the bathroom. After 24 hours of cydotec not working, the next Dr on call decided to go for the pitocin. Within about 30 minutes I was feeling contractions and wondering how in the world I was going to survive this until reaching 10 cm. I put up a good fight, and hung in there for about 14 hours, just breathing and working through the contractions until the Drs decided to do another cervical check... It had been 14 hours I had to be about a 7 or 8 by now... right? WRONG.... I was a 3, and devastated... exhausted and feeling defeated. Finally I decided to ask for some relief, the nurse laughed, and said, "Its about time..." again, more defeat, I was convinced I had no business making anymore choices regarding this birth.
I received a dose of something via my IV, it wasn't an epidural though. It helped I probably slept for a few hours, however when I woke up I was climbing the walls, the contractions were on top of each other with no break and I didn't know what to do... The lamaze class had talked about everything that I wasn't allowed to do... Change positions (Cant do that well with monitors) walk the hallways (yep wasn't allowed to do that either) shoot the class talked about how awful inductions were for both mom and baby in the first place and yet I hadn't avoided that either... I had failed as a mom and the baby wasn't even born yet.
Finally my husband surrendered and called his mom for help. We were in way over our heads. We had checked into the hospital Thursday at 1pm and it was now Friday evening at 11pm. She came and was the support we needed. A few hours after she had arrived I was visited by yet another Dr. The shift had changed again... This Dr. was the rudest yet... she came in and told me my body wasn't responding to the induction and when ever I was ready she was whiling to do a c/s. My husband and mother in law both asked if I or the baby was in danger and she replied, "Well not yet" so my hubby nicely told her no c/s we'll keep going with this until someone is in danger. Thankfully I survived another 12 hours until a new Dr. and the next was was great. It was his first shift at this hospital, he had just arrived from El Paso, Texas where he had a c/s rate of only 12% He was also the first person to tell me I was doing great, 1st babies take some time, and I could do this. He suggested an epidural so I could get some better rest and we agreed. As soon as the epidural took effect I was so itchy... so then I had to have benedryl for the itchy-ness, then I became sleepy from the benedryl... Ugh talk about a cascade of interventions...
About 4 hours later I felt my body 'pushing' and I couldn't stop it, it was uncontrollable! I told the nurses and they actually told me not to push, I didn't understand... Don't push? Why not? The response was the Dr was not on the floor and they had to call him. Can I just say, that trying not to push when your body is pushing is the most obscured concept in the entire world! The Dr. finally arrived, suited up and I finally delivered a precious baby girl! I still had more interventions though... during the delivery I still ended up with an episiotomy (not fun for the next few months by the way).
So Saturday afternoon at 2:30 I became a mommy! Its over, life will be a piece of cake now... right? WRONG again. I was so drugged from all the meds that I basically passed out about 10 minutes after she was born and didn't wake up for about 4 hours, I missed a lot. I missed her first diaper change, her daddy holding her, her bath, her weight and other measurements... I was too exhausted to care. About 7pm that evening I remember my husband waking me up and telling me I needed to try and feed the baby or the nurses were going to begin offering bottles of formula. I woke up and tried... it was really hard to stay awake. I felt so detached as the lactation consultant basically held my breast and fed my baby. Over the corse of the night I was able to focus a bit more, but still strangely detached and that actually lasted a few weeks. Baby girl was perfect and healthy, but lost a bit of weight and wasn't gaining as quickly as they would have liked... It took us about 3 weeks to get into a good grove and for her to feed like she was supposed to.
It was a rough journey, but it was ours. I often wish I could do it all over again. I eventually did with my other babies, however I feel like I didn't give this sweet girl the start to life she and I deserved. I have come to terms with the fact that it is her and my story and God wants me to use it to encourage other mommies to be to follow their instinct, trust their bodies, and always know they can ask for a 2nd opinion or seek out another Dr. Also sometimes the births we plan just don't go according to plan and we need to move on and work on healing. Healing has been a journey and Im pretty sure Im still not there yet. Because birth transforms us and it leaves the very first imprint on our hearts as a mother.
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